**Kevin Hassett: “Trump’s Tariffs Are Like My Aunt’s Fruitcake—Unshakeable!”**
In a bold display of confidence that could only be rivaled by a cat walking on a tightrope, former White House economic advisor Kevin Hassett has expressed unwavering faith in the legal support for Donald Trump’s tariffs. “I’m telling you, these tariffs are going to stick like gum on a hot sidewalk,” Hassett proclaimed at a press conference held in a local diner, where he was reportedly trying to order a side of “economic stability.”
Hassett, who once famously said, “If you can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen—unless you’re cooking tariffs, then you should probably stay,” believes that the courts will back Trump’s trade policies despite a barrage of legal challenges. “It’s like my Aunt Edna’s fruitcake,” he continued, “no matter how many times you try to throw it out, it just keeps coming back!”
Legal experts, however, are less optimistic. “I’ve seen more support for a vegan barbecue,” quipped Judge Judy McGuffin, who is not a judge but a local bingo champion. “Tariffs are like that one friend who always shows up uninvited—nobody wants them, but they just keep coming back.”
Hassett’s confidence is so strong that he’s even started a new campaign: “Tariffs for Tacos.” “If we can’t win in court, at least we can win in the kitchen,” he said, while flipping a taco in the air like a seasoned chef. “And if the courts don’t support us, we’ll just have to bribe them with guacamole!”
As the legal battles continue, one thing is clear: Kevin Hassett’s confidence in Trump’s tariffs is as solid as a three-legged chair at a family reunion—wobbly, but somehow still standing.
