**Kash Patel Promises Full Disclosure on Trump Assassination Attempt: “I’ve Got the Receipts!”**
In a shocking press conference that left the nation both bewildered and mildly amused, Kash Patel, former aide to Donald Trump and self-proclaimed “Master of All Things Conspiracy,” vowed to unveil the “full disclosure” on the alleged assassination attempt against the former president. “I’ve got the receipts, folks!” Patel exclaimed, waving around what appeared to be a pizza menu. “And trust me, it’s a spicy meatball of a story!”
Patel, who has recently taken up a side gig as a fortune teller, claimed that the assassination attempt was orchestrated by a shadowy cabal of “left-handed squirrels” and “the ghost of Abraham Lincoln.” When asked for evidence, he replied, “I don’t need evidence! I have a hunch, and my hunches are like goldfish—very slippery but always swimming in the right direction!”
In a bizarre twist, Patel revealed that he had been in contact with a “top-secret informant” named “Bob the Builder,” who allegedly witnessed the whole thing while fixing a leaky roof. “Bob told me he saw a man in a trench coat and a top hat trying to sneak up on Trump with a rubber chicken,” Patel said, nodding sagely. “That’s a classic assassination tool!”
As the press conference continued, Patel promised to release a 12-part documentary series titled “Kash’s Conspiracy Chronicles,” featuring dramatic reenactments starring local high school drama students. “It’s going to be epic,” he declared. “Think ‘Game of Thrones’ meets ‘The Office’—but with more squirrels!”
In a final flourish, Patel concluded, “If you’re not laughing, you’re not paying attention! And if you’re not paying attention, you’re probably a left-handed squirrel!” The crowd erupted in laughter, leaving many to wonder if Patel was onto something—or if he just really needed a nap.
