**June Declared ‘Title IX Month’ by Dept of Education Following Trans Athletes’ Victories in Girls’ Sports**
In a groundbreaking move that has left sports fans and confused squirrels scratching their heads, the Department of Education has officially declared June as “Title IX Month.” This decision comes hot on the heels of several trans athletes dominating girls’ sports, leaving traditionalists wondering if they should start practicing their cartwheels or just give up entirely.
“Title IX Month is all about celebrating inclusivity and the spirit of competition,” said Secretary of Education, Dr. Ima P. Winner. “We believe that everyone should have the chance to compete, even if it means watching a 6’4” former linebacker crush the dreams of 5’2” high school girls in the 100-meter dash.”
The announcement was met with mixed reactions. Local gym teacher and self-proclaimed sports expert, Coach Chuckle McGee, stated, “I used to think I was a pretty good coach, but now I’m just here to hand out participation trophies and make sure nobody gets hurt. I mean, who knew that the secret to winning was just identifying as a girl?”
Meanwhile, in a shocking twist, the National Association of Competitive Squirrels (NACS) has also jumped on the bandwagon, declaring that all squirrels, regardless of their acorn-gathering abilities, can now compete in the annual Nutty Olympics. “We’re all about equality,” said NACS president, Nutty McNutface. “If a squirrel wants to identify as a chipmunk, who are we to judge?”
As June rolls in, schools across the nation are preparing for a month filled with events like “Trans-lympics,” where students can compete in categories such as “Best Hair Flip” and “Most Dramatic Fall.” “We’re just trying to keep it fun,” said Principal Joyful J. Jester. “And if we can throw in a few TikTok dances, even better!”
So, grab your pom-poms and your rainbow flags, folks! June is here, and it’s time to celebrate the new era of sports where everyone can win—especially if you can outrun the competition in stilettos.
