**JPMorgan’s Jamie Dimon Urges US to Stockpile Bullets and Rare Earths Over Bitcoin: A New Financial Strategy?**
In a shocking turn of events that has left financial analysts scratching their heads and conspiracy theorists sharpening their tinfoil hats, JPMorgan CEO Jamie Dimon has officially declared that the U.S. should stockpile bullets and rare earths instead of Bitcoin. “Listen, folks,” Dimon said at a recent press conference, “when the apocalypse hits, I’d rather have a pocket full of bullets than a wallet full of Bitcoin. At least with bullets, I can barter for a sandwich.”
Dimon’s comments came after a particularly volatile week for cryptocurrencies, during which Bitcoin’s value fluctuated more than a toddler on a sugar high. “I mean, have you ever tried to pay for a cup of coffee with Bitcoin? The barista looks at you like you just asked for a unicorn frappuccino,” he quipped, as he gestured to a nearby intern who was frantically trying to calculate the current value of a single Bitcoin in coffee beans.
In a bizarre twist, Dimon also suggested that rare earths—elements used in everything from smartphones to electric cars—are the new gold. “Forget about gold bars; I’m hoarding neodymium magnets. You never know when you’ll need to stick your fridge to the wall during an earthquake,” he added, while simultaneously ordering a shipment of bullets from an online retailer named “Guns R Us.”
Meanwhile, financial experts are divided on Dimon’s latest strategy. “It’s either genius or madness,” said Dr. Penny Wise, a self-proclaimed financial guru and part-time magician. “But I can’t help but think that if we all start stockpiling bullets, we might just end up in a Mad Max movie. And let’s be honest, I’m not ready for that level of leather and spikes.”
As the world watches in bemusement, one thing is clear: Jamie Dimon is not just playing the financial game; he’s rewriting the rulebook. So, if you see your neighbor suddenly building a bunker in their backyard, don’t be alarmed. They’re just following Dimon’s advice—one bullet at a time.
