**Jewish Lawmaker Calls for Deportation of Family of Boulder Terror Suspect: “They Clearly Didn’t Raise Him Right!”**
In a shocking turn of events that has left the nation scratching its head and reaching for the popcorn, local Jewish lawmaker, Shlomo “The Deportinator” Goldstein, has called for the immediate deportation of the entire family of the Boulder terror suspect, claiming, “If they can’t teach their kid not to be a menace, they should at least teach him how to make a decent kugel!”
Goldstein, known for his fiery speeches and questionable taste in Hawaiian shirts, made the announcement during a press conference that was supposed to be about bagel reform. “I mean, come on! If you can’t even get your kid to respect the laws of the land, what’s next? Are we going to let them run a deli?” he exclaimed, waving a bagel in the air like a baton.
The Boulder suspect’s family, who were reportedly unaware that their son had taken up a career in terrorism instead of, say, becoming a dentist, responded with confusion. “We thought he was just really into extreme sports,” said his mother, Miriam “I Just Wanted Him to Play the Clarinet” Cohen. “I mean, he did have a skateboard and a suspicious amount of energy drinks.”
Goldstein’s proposal has sparked a wave of support from local residents, including Mrs. Ruth “I Bake Challah for the Neighborhood” Schwartz, who said, “If they can’t even make a decent brisket, what good are they to society?”
As the debate rages on, Goldstein has promised to introduce a new bill that would require all families to pass a “Parenting 101” course before their children can be allowed to leave the house. “If I can teach my kids to avoid the ‘bad’ bagels, they can certainly learn to avoid the ‘bad’ life choices,” he declared, while accidentally dropping his bagel on the floor.
In the meantime, the Boulder suspect remains in custody, while his family is reportedly considering a move to a remote island where they can raise their children free from the pressures of society—and bagel reform.
