**Jeanine Pirro Takes Office as Interim US Attorney, Vows to Show ‘No Mercy’ to Criminals**
In a shocking turn of events that has left the nation both amused and mildly concerned, Jeanine Pirro has officially taken office as the Interim US Attorney. In her inaugural address, she promised to show “no mercy” to criminals, which, judging by her track record, likely means she’ll be sending them to their rooms without dessert.
“Criminals, beware! I’m coming for you with the ferocity of a cat on a laser pointer,” Pirro declared, adjusting her glasses and brandishing a gavel that suspiciously resembled a rubber chicken. “I will not rest until every last one of you is behind bars—or at least behind a really uncomfortable chair during a long lecture about the consequences of your actions.”
In a press conference that felt more like a stand-up comedy routine, Pirro introduced her new team of “Justice Avengers,” which includes former reality TV star and self-proclaimed “crime-fighter” Kim Kardashian, who will be in charge of “rehabilitating” criminals through fashion advice. “If they can’t look good in prison, what’s the point?” Kardashian quipped, while holding up a pair of orange jumpsuits that she claimed were “so last season.”
Meanwhile, Pirro’s first act as US Attorney was to issue a warrant for the arrest of “anyone who dares to steal my fries.” When asked about her approach to serious crimes, she replied, “I’m just going to wing it. If it worked for my last cooking show, it can work for law enforcement!”
As the nation holds its breath, one thing is clear: with Jeanine Pirro at the helm, the criminal underworld is in for a wild ride—preferably one that includes a lot of puns and a side of fries.
