**Indy 500 Champions Face Severe Penalties Ahead of Upcoming Race: “We’re Just Trying to Keep It Fair!”**
In a shocking turn of events, the Indy 500 governing body has announced severe penalties for past champions ahead of this year’s race, citing “unfair advantages” and “too much horsepower.” The penalties include mandatory pit stops for ice cream breaks, a ban on all forms of caffeine, and a strict no-mustache policy for drivers.
“We’re just trying to keep it fair,” said Chief Race Regulator, Chuck “The Mustache Slayer” Thompson. “We can’t have these champions zooming around the track like they’re in a video game. It’s dangerous for the spectators, and frankly, it’s just not fair to the guys who still think ‘drifting’ is a dance move.”
Last year’s champion, Helga “The Speed Demon” Schmidt, expressed her outrage: “I’ve trained my whole life for this! Now I have to stop for ice cream? What’s next, mandatory yoga sessions? I can’t zen my way to victory!”
Meanwhile, 2021 champion, “Lightning” Larry McGee, was spotted practicing his pit stop ice cream technique, claiming, “If I can’t win, I’ll at least be the first to finish a double scoop while driving!”
In a bizarre twist, the penalties also include a new rule that requires all drivers to wear clown shoes during the race. “It’s all about safety,” said Thompson. “We want to ensure that if they crash, they at least look ridiculous doing it.”
As the race approaches, fans are left wondering if the new rules will lead to a more competitive race or just a lot of slippery banana peels on the track. One thing is for sure: this year’s Indy 500 is shaping up to be the most entertaining circus on wheels!
