**ICE Issues Detainers for Suspected Illegal Immigrant Burglars: The Great Cookie Caper of 2023**
In a shocking turn of events, the U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) has issued detainers for a group of suspected illegal immigrant burglars who allegedly broke into a local bakery and made off with an estimated 500 cookies. Yes, you read that right—500 cookies. The audacity!
The incident, dubbed “The Great Cookie Caper of 2023,” unfolded last Tuesday when the bakery owner, Betty Crumble, discovered her prized cookie stash had vanished overnight. “I thought I was just having a bad dream,” she said, clutching a half-eaten chocolate chip cookie. “But then I realized, no, it’s just my entire inventory gone! Who steals cookies? I mean, come on!”
ICE spokesperson, Chuck “The Cookie Monster” McCrumb, stated, “We take cookie theft very seriously. These criminals are not just stealing baked goods; they’re stealing the very essence of American culture. Next, they’ll be stealing our apple pie!”
Witnesses claim to have seen a group of suspicious individuals, later identified as the “Cookie Bandits,” sneaking away with bags full of cookies while chanting, “We want the dough!” Local resident and self-proclaimed cookie connoisseur, Timmy “The Doughnut” Johnson, added, “I saw them! They were wearing ski masks and carrying milk! It was terrifying!”
As the investigation unfolds, ICE has promised to crack down on cookie-related crimes. “We’re not just looking for the culprits,” McCrumb declared. “We’re also looking for the milk they stole. It’s a dairy matter now!”
In a bizarre twist, the Cookie Bandits have reportedly turned themselves in, claiming they were just trying to “bring joy to the world, one cookie at a time.” They are currently awaiting trial, where they will face charges of grand theft cookie and conspiracy to commit dessert-related crimes.
As for Betty Crumble, she’s just happy to have her cookies back—well, most of them. “I guess I’ll have to start locking my cookie jar,” she sighed. “Or maybe just start baking gluten-free. That’ll keep the thieves away!”
Stay tuned for updates on this deliciously absurd case!
