**Harvey Weinstein Declares He Will Not Testify in Sex Crimes Retrial: “I’m Just Here for the Snacks”**
In a shocking twist that has left legal experts scratching their heads and snack vendors rubbing their hands together in glee, Harvey Weinstein has announced he will not testify in his sex crimes retrial. “Honestly, I just came for the complimentary muffins,” Weinstein reportedly said, while eyeing a plate of blueberry pastries like a kid in a candy store. “I mean, have you tried these? They’re to die for!”
Weinstein’s decision has sparked a flurry of reactions, with his attorney, the ever-optimistic Chuck “The Negotiator” McBargain, stating, “Harvey believes that silence is golden, especially when it comes to courtroom drama. Plus, he’s saving his voice for karaoke night at the prison. He’s got a killer rendition of ‘I Will Survive’ lined up!”
Meanwhile, legal analysts are baffled. “This is unprecedented,” said Dr. Ima Lawyer, a self-proclaimed expert in courtroom shenanigans. “Most defendants want to testify to clear their names. But Harvey? He’s just here for the free Wi-Fi and the chance to catch up on his Netflix queue.”
In a bizarre twist, Weinstein’s decision has led to a surge in interest for the retrial, with fans flocking to the courtroom like it’s the latest Marvel movie premiere. “I just hope they have popcorn,” said one eager spectator, who identified himself as “Not Harvey’s Biggest Fan, But I’m Here for the Drama.”
As the retrial continues, one thing is clear: Harvey Weinstein may not be testifying, but he’s certainly serving up a side of absurdity that even the most seasoned courtroom veterans can’t resist. And if you’re lucky, you might just snag a muffin or two along the way!
