In a shocking twist that has left Wall Street scratching its collective head, Goldman Sachs has announced that they will only be investing in individuals who still play Monopoly. The investment banking giant claims that this new strategy will help them identify “true financial wizards” who understand the nuances of property management, community chest cards, and the art of negotiating with a plastic thimble.
Monopoly Money
“Let’s face it,” said Goldman Sachs CEO, Chuck “The Banker” McMoneybags, in a press conference held in a room decorated with oversized Monopoly money. “If you can’t manage a fake portfolio of Boardwalk and Park Place, how can we trust you with real money? Plus, we’re tired of hearing about Bitcoin. It’s time to bring back the classics!”
The announcement has sent shockwaves through the financial community, with many analysts scrambling to dust off their old Monopoly boards. “I haven’t played Monopoly since I was a kid,” said financial analyst Penny Dreadful. “But if it means I can get a piece of that sweet Goldman Sachs investment pie, I’m ready to roll the dice. I just hope I don’t land on ‘Go to Jail’—again.”
In a bizarre twist, Goldman Sachs has also introduced a new set of criteria for potential investors. Candidates must demonstrate their Monopoly prowess by completing a series of challenges, including a high-stakes game of Monopoly Deal, a blindfolded property auction, and a dramatic reenactment of the infamous “Get Out of Jail Free” card scene.
“Honestly, I think this is genius,” said local Monopoly enthusiast and self-proclaimed ‘Monopoly Master’ Timmy T. Boardman. “I’ve been practicing my property trading skills for years. I can trade a Baltic Avenue for a Marvin Gardens faster than you can say ‘bankruptcy.’ If Goldman Sachs wants to invest in me, I’m ready to roll!”
Critics of the new policy have raised eyebrows, questioning the practicality of investing based on a board game. “What’s next? Are they going to start investing in people who can recite the entire script of ‘The Princess Bride’?” asked financial commentator Sally Snark. “I mean, I can do that, but it doesn’t mean I’m qualified to manage a hedge fund!”
In a surprising turn of events, the announcement has sparked a resurgence in Monopoly sales, with stores reporting a 300% increase in demand for the classic game. “We’re just trying to keep up with the orders,” said a representative from Hasbro. “We never expected Goldman Sachs to turn Monopoly into a financial litmus test. But hey, if it gets people playing, we’re all for it!”
As the financial world adjusts to this new reality, one thing is clear: if you want to secure your future with Goldman Sachs, it’s time to dust off that old Monopoly board, practice your property trading skills, and prepare for a game night that could change your life. Just remember, no one likes a banker who refuses to pass ‘Go’—or worse, one who lands on ‘Income Tax’ without a plan!
