GM Announces Relocation of Factories to the Deep South, Announces Cage Fight to Determine the Winner
In a move that has left Michigan and Ohio auto workers shaking their heads and Googling “What the heck is going on?”, General Motors (GM) has announced plans to relocate all its factories based in those states to the Deep South. The decision, according to the automaker, is completely unrelated to the crippling strike that paralyzed production earlier this year, which may or may not have had something to do with profits tanking faster than a Chevrolet in a NASCAR race.
GM’s executive vice president of “we don’t know why we’re doing this either,” Patricia Unclear, stated that the move is part of the company’s bold new “strategic vision” for growth. “We are expanding into the future, and that future is deep-fried and covered in BBQ sauce,” she said at a press conference held in a cracker barrel restaurant on I-85. “Alabama, Mississippi, and Louisiana have just been so welcoming. It’s not about union negotiations, labor costs, or anything like that. It’s just… this feeling. Like, a gut feeling. And also, honestly, the fact that we got a heck of a deal on some swamp land.”
The decision has already sent ripples through the automotive industry, with local lawmakers in Michigan and Ohio raising their fists to the sky while wearing t-shirts that read “#ThanksGM.” However, they were quickly distracted by the news that a cage fight will be held to determine which state will get the lion’s share of GM’s relocated factories. That’s right—Alabama, Mississippi, and Louisiana’s governors will step into an octagon to decide the fate of thousands of manufacturing jobs.
In a stunning twist, Louisiana Governor Jeff “Kilo N’Troy” Landry (known locally for his gold-plated alligator boots) issued a statement with a demand: “If I win, I’m taking every GM plant and throwing in an entire season of True Detective on Netflix for free. You can’t buy that kind of cultural capital. But we’re not in this just for the jobs, folks. We’re in it for the boudin.”
The Mississippi governor, Tate “Frog Legs” Reeves, responded swiftly, “Alabama’s got a couple of championship football teams, but when it comes to factory wars, Mississippi’s got the upper hand. I’ve been practicing my headlocks on my cousin Vinny (not the lawyer, Vincent LaGuardia Gambino). We’ve got this.”
Meanwhile, Alabama’s Governor, Kay “Maw-maw” Ivey, issued her challenge: “I have three words for you: Roll Tide.”
Political analysts are already placing bets on the outcome of the epic showdown, with odds leaning heavily toward Louisiana due to their superior use of barbecue sauce as both a weapon and a strategy. One political commentator who wished to remain anonymous said, “Mississippi is all talk, Alabama’s all muscle, but Louisiana? Louisiana’s bringing the crawfish to the cage. You can’t fight that.”
The cage fight is set to take place in a giant pit covered in sand, sweet tea, and a few random bayou creatures that were probably already there. The entire event will be broadcast on Netflix – allegedly they have fixed the issues after the Tyson Paul fight, where Gen X watchers were able to reminisce on the old days of playing NES PunchOut – , which is rumored to include bonus footage of factory workers breakdancing on factory floors during intermissions.
While labor unions have been quick to point out that GM’s relocation and battle for factories is, of course, unrelated to the prior labor unrest, sources confirm that there will be an official GM-sponsored “Strike Out” BBQ competition after the cage fight concludes, where the winner takes home an entire year’s supply of Diet Dr. Pepper.
As of now, GM’s factories in Michigan and Ohio remain operational, though there’s no word on when the first round of fighting will take place. Until then, expect more quotes from politicians in tight jeans and lots of tweets about “factory wars” and “delicious southern hospitality.” Stay tuned for further updates.
