**FTC Drops Lawsuit Against PepsiCo: A Refreshing Twist in the Cola Wars**
In a shocking turn of events that has left soda enthusiasts and conspiracy theorists alike scratching their heads, the Federal Trade Commission (FTC) has officially dropped its lawsuit against PepsiCo, citing “insufficient evidence” and “too much caffeine.” The lawsuit, which claimed that PepsiCo was engaging in “unfair trade practices” by marketing its sugary beverages as “refreshing,” has been dismissed faster than a can of Mountain Dew at a gamer convention.
“We realized that the only thing more inflated than Pepsi’s marketing claims is the price of a 12-pack,” said FTC spokesperson, Barry Fizz, who added, “Besides, we couldn’t find any actual victims of ‘unfair refreshment.’”
In a statement that left many scratching their heads, PepsiCo’s CEO, Reginald “Soda Pop” Fizzlebottom, celebrated the news by declaring, “We’re just happy to get back to what we do best: making people forget their problems with carbonated sugar water. And maybe a little bit of caffeine-induced euphoria.”
Meanwhile, rival beverage companies are reportedly “shooketh.” Coca-Cola’s Chief Refreshment Officer, Cola McFizz, was seen frantically mixing up a new flavor called “Desperation Berry” in response to the news. “We can’t let Pepsi have all the fun! We’re going to market it as ‘the taste of regret,’” McFizz exclaimed, while simultaneously trying to figure out how to make a soda that doesn’t taste like sadness.
As the dust settles on this fizzy fiasco, one thing is clear: the cola wars are far from over. In fact, sources say that the FTC is now considering a lawsuit against water for being “too hydrating.” Stay tuned for updates as we continue to follow this bubbling saga!
