**Five Years After Floyd: Ex-Confederate Capital Leaders Reflect on Unchanged Landscape Post-Monument Removal**
In a shocking turn of events, five years after the removal of the infamous Confederate monuments, the leaders of the Ex-Confederate Capital have gathered to reflect on the unchanged landscape of their beloved city. Spoiler alert: it’s still just as boring as ever.
“Honestly, I thought removing the statue of General Stonewall Jackson would lead to a renaissance of creativity,” lamented former mayor and self-proclaimed “Monumental Historian” Clyde “The Stonewall Whisperer” McGee. “But all we got was a new Starbucks. I mean, who needs a double-shot caramel macchiato when you could have a 30-foot statue of a guy who lost a war?”
Meanwhile, local historian and part-time raccoon wrangler, Beatrice “Betsy” Picklebottom, expressed her dismay at the lack of change. “I was hoping the removal would inspire a new wave of art. Instead, we just have a lot of empty space and a very confused pigeon population. They keep circling where the statue used to be, looking for breadcrumbs of history.”
The group also discussed the impact on tourism. “We used to have people come from all over to see our monuments,” said former councilman and amateur taxidermist, Rufus “The Rebel” Jenkins. “Now, they just come to see the empty pedestal and take selfies. I mean, who wants to take a picture with a ghost?”
In a final attempt to revitalize the area, the ex-leaders proposed a new monument: a giant inflatable rat named “General Fluffington.” “He represents the spirit of resilience,” said Jenkins, “and he’s way more cuddly than any of those old generals.”
As the meeting concluded, the group agreed on one thing: the landscape may have changed, but their ability to complain about it remains as strong as ever. “At least we still have our memories,” McGee sighed, “and a whole lot of empty space to fill with our regrets.”
And so, the Ex-Confederate Capital continues to stand as a monument to… well, nothing much at all. But hey, at least they have a new Starbucks.
