**’Final Destination: Bloodlines’ Dominates Box Office as The Weeknd’s Film Struggles**
In a shocking twist that has left Hollywood reeling, the latest installment of the horror franchise, *Final Destination: Bloodlines*, has obliterated box office records, leaving The Weeknd’s much-anticipated film, *After Hours: The Movie*, gasping for air like a fish out of water.
*Final Destination: Bloodlines*, which features a plot so convoluted it makes a pretzel look straight, raked in a staggering $200 million in its opening weekend. The film follows a group of unsuspecting relatives who discover that death has a family tree, and it’s not afraid to prune the branches. “I thought I was just going to see a movie, but I ended up learning about my own family history,” said local viewer and self-proclaimed genealogist, Bob “Ancestry” Johnson. “Turns out my great-great-grandfather was killed by a runaway cart. Thanks, Death!”
Meanwhile, The Weeknd’s film, which was supposed to be a deep dive into the artist’s psyche, has reportedly made just $12.50—mostly from a confused grandmother who thought she was buying a ticket to a concert. “I thought I was going to see The Weeknd perform live,” she lamented, clutching her half-eaten popcorn. “Instead, I got a two-hour existential crisis with a side of confusion.”
Critics have been quick to weigh in. “*Final Destination: Bloodlines* is a masterpiece of modern cinema,” said film critic and self-proclaimed death expert, Morty McGrim. “It’s like watching a family reunion where everyone is trying to avoid the potato salad and also, you know, death.”
In a desperate attempt to salvage his film’s reputation, The Weeknd released a statement saying, “I’m just glad I didn’t die in the box office. That would’ve been too on-the-nose.”
As the dust settles, it seems that while The Weeknd may be singing about heartbreak, *Final Destination: Bloodlines* is singing a much louder tune—one that echoes with the sound of chainsaws, runaway buses, and the sweet, sweet sound of box office domination.
