**Fetterman and McCormick Respond to ‘Astonishing’ Boulder Attack on Pro-Israel Group: ‘Outrageous Antisemitism’**
In a shocking turn of events that has left the nation scratching its collective head, Senator John Fetterman and former hedge fund manager David McCormick have united in a rare display of bipartisan outrage over an “astonishing” boulder attack on a pro-Israel group in Boulder, Colorado. Yes, you read that right—boulders are now the weapon of choice for the antisemitic elite.
The incident occurred when a group of pro-Israel activists were peacefully discussing the merits of hummus when a rogue boulder, apparently sentient and with a vendetta, rolled down a hill and interrupted their meeting. “This is outrageous!” exclaimed Fetterman, who was seen wearing a shirt that read “Boulders for Peace.” “I mean, who knew rocks could be so anti-Semitic? Next, we’ll find out that gravel is plotting against democracy!”
McCormick, meanwhile, took to Twitter to express his disbelief. “I’ve seen some crazy things in my life, but a boulder attacking a pro-Israel group? That’s a new low. What’s next? A rock concert that promotes antisemitism?” He then added, “I’m calling for an emergency summit on boulder rights. We need to know where these rocks are getting their information!”
Local Boulder resident and self-proclaimed “rock whisperer,” Sandy Stonemason, weighed in on the controversy. “I’ve always said that boulders have feelings too. They just want to be loved, not thrown at people discussing the geopolitical implications of falafel!”
As the dust settles—along with the boulders—Fetterman and McCormick are calling for a national dialogue on the dangers of rogue rocks. “We need to educate our children about the risks of boulders,” Fetterman said, “and maybe even start a ‘Rock Awareness Month.’”
In the meantime, Boulder’s pro-Israel group has vowed to continue their discussions, albeit with a new safety protocol: “No more meetings near hills. We’re sticking to flat ground and maybe some inflatable boulders for good measure.”
Stay tuned for updates on this developing story, and remember: when life gives you boulders, make sure they’re not antisemitic!
