**Federal Authorities Dismantle Armenian Fraud Network Allegedly Embezzling $30 Million in COVID and Small Business Loans: A Comedy of Errors**
In a plot twist that could only be scripted by a Hollywood screenwriter with a penchant for absurdity, federal authorities have dismantled an Armenian fraud network that allegedly embezzled a staggering $30 million in COVID and small business loans. The operation, dubbed “Operation: Not-So-Small Business,” was reportedly run by a group of entrepreneurs who took “creative accounting” to a whole new level—think Picasso meets TurboTax.
According to sources, the mastermind behind the scheme, a man known only as “Big V” (real name: Vardanyan McFraudface), was overheard saying, “Why bother with a lemonade stand when you can just sell the whole lemonade factory?” His accomplice, a woman named “Svetlana the Spreadsheet Sorceress,” allegedly created fake businesses with names like “COVID-19 Cough Drops LLC” and “PPE for Pets.”
“Honestly, I thought they were just really bad at naming things,” said one bewildered federal agent, who wished to remain anonymous. “I mean, who would trust a company called ‘Masks for Mice’?”
The group’s downfall came when they attempted to apply for a loan under the name “The Last Honest Man in America.” Authorities were tipped off when the application included a photo of a cat wearing a tie and the tagline, “Trust me, I’m a businessman.”
In a statement, Big V lamented, “I just wanted to help small businesses… by becoming a very large business myself!” Meanwhile, Svetlana was last seen trying to convince a judge that her “business model” was simply ahead of its time.
As the dust settles on this bizarre caper, one thing is clear: if you’re going to commit fraud, at least make sure your business names don’t sound like rejected titles for a children’s book.
