**FBI Probes ‘Targeted Terror Attack’ in Boulder, Colorado, According to Kash Patel: A Comedy of Errors**
In a shocking turn of events, the FBI has launched an investigation into what they are calling a “targeted terror attack” in Boulder, Colorado. The alleged attack? A rogue group of squirrels commandeering a local park’s picnic area, sending innocent picnickers fleeing in terror. According to former Trump aide Kash Patel, “This is clearly a coordinated effort by the rodent community to take over our snacks!”
Eyewitnesses report that the furry fiends, armed with acorns and an alarming amount of confidence, descended upon a family gathering like a furry SWAT team. “I was just trying to enjoy my potato salad when suddenly, they were everywhere!” exclaimed local resident Betty “The Salad Slayer” Thompson. “I thought I was going to have to negotiate with them! I offered them a bag of chips, but they just chattered at me like I was speaking Martian.”
The FBI is taking this incident seriously, with agents reportedly combing through security footage of the park, looking for any signs of “squirrel collusion.” Special Agent Rick Nutters said, “We’re not ruling out the possibility that this was a distraction tactic to divert attention from the real threat: the local raccoon population.”
Meanwhile, Boulder’s mayor, who has been dubbed “The Nutty Mayor” by local media, has called for an emergency town hall meeting to address the “squirrel situation.” “We need to come together as a community,” he said, “and maybe invest in some squirrel-proof picnic baskets. It’s time to take a stand against these nutty terrorists!”
As the investigation unfolds, one thing is clear: Boulder residents are on high alert. “I’m not going to let a bunch of bushy-tailed bandits ruin my summer,” declared local BBQ enthusiast Hank “Grill Master” Johnson. “I’m arming myself with a water gun filled with hot sauce. That’ll show them who’s boss!”
Stay tuned as this story develops, and remember: when it comes to picnic safety, always keep your snacks close and your squirrels closer!
