**FBI Investigates Allegations of Targeted Violence Against Religious Groups Following Seattle Evangelical Protest: “We’re Just Trying to Save Souls, Not Start a War!”**
In a shocking turn of events, the FBI has launched an investigation into allegations of targeted violence against religious groups following a recent protest by Seattle’s Evangelical community. Eyewitnesses reported that the protest, which was meant to be a peaceful gathering, quickly escalated into a chaotic scene resembling a cross between a rock concert and a food fight at a church potluck.
“We were just trying to spread the good word,” said Pastor Bob “The Holy Roller” Thompson, who was leading the protest. “But then someone threw a gluten-free muffin at me, and I thought, ‘Is this how the apocalypse starts?’”
The FBI is now looking into claims that the muffins were not just baked goods but “weapons of mass distraction.” Special Agent Linda “The Muffin Slayer” Johnson stated, “We take these allegations seriously. If people are using baked goods to incite violence, we might have to start a new division: the Food Crimes Unit.”
Meanwhile, local vegan activist and self-proclaimed “Muffin Whisperer,” Greta Greenleaf, defended the muffin throwers. “They were just trying to express their feelings! You can’t blame someone for wanting to throw a muffin when they’re filled with so much emotion. It’s like a gluten-free therapy session!”
As the investigation unfolds, the FBI is also looking into reports of “spiritual warfare” involving water balloons filled with holy water. “We’re not sure if it’s a crime or just a really bad baptism,” Agent Johnson added, shaking her head.
In a surprising twist, the Seattle City Council has proposed a new ordinance requiring all protests to include a designated “Muffin Zone” to prevent future incidents. Councilman Dave “The Doughnut” McFlurry stated, “We want to ensure that everyone has a safe space to express their beliefs—preferably with pastries.”
As the city waits for answers, one thing is clear: in Seattle, the battle for souls may just be a battle for the best baked goods. Stay tuned for updates, and remember, folks: when life gives you muffins, throw them at your problems, not your neighbors!
