**FBI Identifies IVF Clinic Bomber as ‘Pro-Mortalist’ Opposing Non-Consensual Births**
In a shocking turn of events that has left the nation both baffled and mildly amused, the FBI has identified the bomber of a local IVF clinic as a self-proclaimed “Pro-Mortalist” who believes that non-consensual births are the greatest threat to humanity since the invention of the pineapple pizza.
The suspect, identified as 32-year-old Morty McMortface, was apprehended after a series of explosive incidents that left the clinic in shambles and the waiting room filled with confused couples clutching their fertility pamphlets. McMortface, who reportedly has a PhD in “Philosophy of Not Being Born,” stated in a recent interview, “I just want to make sure that every baby has a say in whether they want to join this chaotic world. I mean, have you seen the news?”
Witnesses claim that McMortface was seen wearing a t-shirt that read “Abort the Non-Consensual Births” while handing out pamphlets titled “Why Your Baby Should Have a Say.” One bewildered clinic-goer, who wished to remain anonymous, said, “I thought he was just a really passionate volunteer. I mean, who doesn’t love a good pamphlet?”
The FBI has since launched a nationwide manhunt for McMortface, who is believed to be hiding out in a commune of fellow Pro-Mortalists, where they are reportedly debating the ethics of birth while sipping on organic kale smoothies. “We’re just trying to save the world, one non-birth at a time,” said fellow Pro-Mortalist, Daisy Dismal. “Plus, have you ever tried to convince a baby to sign a consent form? It’s a nightmare!”
As the investigation continues, the FBI has issued a warning to all IVF clinics to be on high alert for any suspicious activity, especially from individuals wearing “I’m Not Ready to Be Born” hats. In the meantime, McMortface remains at large, likely plotting his next move while contemplating the existential dread of being born into a world that still hasn’t figured out how to make a decent cup of coffee.
Stay tuned for updates on this bizarre case, and remember: if you see Morty McMortface, don’t approach him—just offer him a pamphlet and run!
