**Father of NC College Student ‘Outraged’ After Career Criminal Allegedly Murders Daughter in USC Burglary: “I Just Wanted Her to Get a Degree, Not a Degree in Crime!”**
In a shocking turn of events that has left the nation scratching its head and rolling its eyes, the father of a North Carolina college student is reportedly “outraged” after his daughter was allegedly murdered by a career criminal during a burglary at the University of Southern California. The father, Bob “Not My Fault” Johnson, expressed his disbelief, stating, “I just wanted her to get a degree, not a degree in crime!”
The incident occurred late last week when the alleged perpetrator, a man known only as “Shifty McThief,” broke into the dormitory in search of snacks and a Netflix password. Instead, he found 21-year-old Emily Johnson, who was busy studying for her finals—or as she called it, “the ultimate game of procrastination.”
In a bizarre twist, McThief reportedly mistook Emily’s ramen noodles for a rare delicacy and attempted to negotiate a trade for a stolen pizza. “I mean, who wouldn’t want ramen over pizza?” he later told reporters while wearing a shirt that read, “I’m not a criminal, I’m just misunderstood.”
Bob Johnson, who has been described as “the dad who always brings the worst snacks to parties,” took to social media to express his outrage. “This is not what I signed up for! I thought college was supposed to be about learning, not about dodging bullets and career criminals! I mean, I was just getting used to her being a vegan!”
In a statement that left many scratching their heads, Bob added, “If I wanted my daughter to be involved in crime, I would have sent her to law school!”
As the investigation continues, the Johnson family is reportedly considering a new family motto: “We put the ‘fun’ in dysfunctional.” Meanwhile, Shifty McThief has been offered a reality TV show deal titled “Criminals in College,” which promises to be a hit among those who believe that crime does pay—at least in ratings.
Stay tuned for updates on this developing story, and remember folks, always lock your doors and your ramen!
