**Egyptian Man in US Illegally Identified as Suspect in Boulder Terror Attack, Says FBI: “I Just Came for the Bagels!”**
In a shocking turn of events, the FBI has identified an Egyptian man, Ahmed “Bagel” El-Masri, as a suspect in the recent Boulder terror attack. Sources say El-Masri, who entered the U.S. illegally, was simply trying to find the best bagel shop in town. “I thought Boulder was famous for its bagels,” he reportedly told agents while munching on a blueberry bagel. “I didn’t know I was supposed to be a suspect!”
Witnesses claim that El-Masri was seen wandering around Boulder with a suspiciously large bag of bagels and a map titled “Top 10 Bagel Shops in America.” “He looked harmless,” said local resident and self-proclaimed bagel connoisseur, Linda “Lox” Johnson. “I mean, who would suspect a guy with a bagel obsession?”
FBI spokesperson, Agent Chuck “Cream Cheese” Thompson, stated, “We take all threats seriously, especially those involving carbs. We’re just glad he wasn’t carrying a croissant. That would have been a whole different investigation.”
El-Masri’s lawyer, a man named Bob “The Bagel” Baker, insists that his client is innocent. “He just wanted to experience the American dream—one bagel at a time,” Baker said, while trying to negotiate a plea deal involving unlimited bagels for life.
As the investigation continues, Boulder residents are left wondering if they should be more concerned about potential terrorists or the rising prices of bagels. “I just want to know if I can still get my everything bagel without fear of being interrogated,” said local hipster, Tim “Toasted” Thompson.
In the meantime, El-Masri has been released on bail, with a strict order to stay away from bagel shops until further notice. “I’m just here for the food, man,” he said, as he was escorted away. “Can’t a guy get a decent bagel without being labeled a suspect?”
Stay tuned for updates on this developing story, and remember: always check your bagel for hidden agendas!
