**Education Department Overturns $37 Million Fine Against Grand Canyon University: ‘Mistaken Allegations’**
In a shocking twist that has left the academic world reeling, the U.S. Department of Education has overturned a staggering $37 million fine against Grand Canyon University (GCU), citing “mistaken allegations” that the university was, in fact, a front for a secret society of cactus enthusiasts.
The fine was initially imposed after a thorough investigation revealed that GCU had been offering degrees in “Cactus Studies” and “Desert Survival,” which the Department of Education mistakenly believed were actual programs. “We thought they were just trying to grow a bunch of prickly plants,” said Education Secretary Betsy Bloom, who later admitted she had never been to Arizona. “Turns out, they were just trying to grow their enrollment numbers.”
In a press conference, GCU President Brian “Cactus Jack” Johnson exclaimed, “We’re just a regular university! We don’t even have a cactus mascot! That’s just a rumor started by our rival, the University of Phoenix!” He then proceeded to unveil a new line of merchandise featuring a cartoon cactus wearing a graduation cap, which he claimed was purely coincidental.
Meanwhile, local cactus enthusiast and self-proclaimed “Cactus Whisperer” Fern McPrickle stated, “I always knew GCU was innocent! I mean, who would fine a university for teaching students how to properly water a cactus? That’s just good education!”
As the dust settles, GCU plans to use the $37 million in savings to fund a new initiative: “Cactus for Credit,” where students can earn degrees by simply growing their own cacti. “It’s a win-win,” said Johnson. “Students get a degree, and we get a whole lot of prickly plants. What could possibly go wrong?”
In the end, the only thing more resilient than a cactus is the spirit of Grand Canyon University, which has proven that even in the face of mistaken allegations, they can still thrive—just like their beloved succulents.
