**Duffy Calls on Senate to Approve $12.5B Air Traffic System Overhaul in Big Beautiful Bill: “It’s Time to Get Our Skies in Order!”**
In a bold move that has left both aviation enthusiasts and confused pigeons scratching their heads, Congressman Sean Duffy has called on the Senate to approve a whopping $12.5 billion overhaul of the nation’s air traffic system. Dubbed the “Big Beautiful Bill,” Duffy insists that it’s time to “get our skies in order” before we accidentally send a flock of geese to the International Space Station.
“Have you ever tried to land a plane while dodging a flock of angry birds?” Duffy asked during a press conference, flanked by a bewildered-looking parrot named Captain Squawk. “It’s like playing dodgeball with a jet engine! We need to upgrade our systems before we end up with more mid-air collisions than a game of bumper cars.”
Critics of the bill, including Senator Grumpy McGrumpface, argue that the funds could be better spent on more pressing issues, like ensuring that every American has access to artisanal avocado toast. “I mean, who needs a safe air traffic system when you can have perfectly ripe avocados?” McGrumpface quipped, while simultaneously trying to figure out how to pronounce “infrastructure.”
Meanwhile, Duffy’s supporters are rallying behind the bill, claiming that it will not only improve air travel but also create jobs for “air traffic wizards.” “I can’t wait to see what kind of magic they’ll pull off with $12.5 billion,” said local resident and self-proclaimed aviation expert, Bob “The Plane Whisperer” Johnson. “Maybe they’ll finally figure out how to make planes that don’t smell like old gym socks!”
As the Senate prepares to debate the Big Beautiful Bill, Duffy remains optimistic. “If we can put a man on the moon, we can certainly figure out how to keep planes from crashing into each other,” he declared, before adding, “And if we can’t, at least we’ll have a great story for the next season of ‘Survivor: Air Traffic Control.’”
Stay tuned as this story develops, and remember: when it comes to air travel, it’s always better to be safe than sorry—unless you’re flying with a goose named Gerald.
