**Driver Faces Charges for Grievous Bodily Harm in Liverpool Parade Incident: A Cautionary Tale of Overzealous Celebrations**
LIVERPOOL—In a shocking turn of events that has left the city both bewildered and mildly amused, a local driver has been charged with grievous bodily harm after a parade incident that can only be described as “a little too enthusiastic.” Witnesses report that the driver, identified as 32-year-old Dave “The Speed Bump” Thompson, mistook the annual Liverpool Cheese Rolling Parade for a high-speed chase.
“I thought it was a race!” Thompson exclaimed, still clutching a half-eaten cheddar wheel. “I mean, who wouldn’t want to roll with the cheese? I was just trying to get to the front of the line!”
The incident occurred when Thompson, in a fit of dairy-fueled excitement, accelerated through a crowd of cheese enthusiasts, narrowly missing a group of elderly ladies dressed as giant cheese wedges. “I’ve seen some wild things in my day,” said parade organizer and self-proclaimed cheese connoisseur, Mildred “Brie-lliant” Johnson. “But I never thought I’d have to dodge a Ford Fiesta while wearing a Swiss cheese hat!”
Local authorities were quick to respond, with Officer Barry “Gouda” McCheese stating, “We take cheese-related incidents very seriously in Liverpool. This isn’t just a matter of public safety; it’s a matter of public dairy!”
As Thompson awaits his court date, he remains optimistic. “I just wanted to spread some joy, like butter on toast!” he said, while attempting to juggle three wheels of cheese. “If I’m going down, I’m going down with a gouda time!”
In the meantime, the city has decided to implement new safety measures for future parades, including mandatory cheese-rolling helmets and a strict “no speeding” policy for all dairy-related festivities. As for Thompson, he’s reportedly considering a career change to professional cheese rolling—because if you can’t beat ‘em, roll with ‘em!
