**Doctor’s Restraining Order Lifted After Attempted Murder Conviction: “I Just Wanted to Help!” Claims Surgeon**
In a shocking turn of events, Dr. Phil McCracken, a once-respected surgeon, has had his restraining order lifted after serving a mere six months for attempted murder. The court ruled that the good doctor had “learned his lesson” and was now “just a misunderstood medical professional with a penchant for extreme patient care.”
“I was just trying to help!” McCracken exclaimed, adjusting his stethoscope while eyeing a nearby gurney. “I thought a little ‘hands-on’ surgery would spice things up! Who knew that removing a patient’s appendix could be considered attempted murder? I mean, it’s not like I was trying to take out their heart or anything!”
The restraining order, which previously prohibited McCracken from coming within 500 feet of any hospital, was lifted after a series of heartfelt letters from his former patients. “Sure, he tried to kill me, but he also saved my life once!” said one grateful patient, who wished to remain anonymous. “I mean, it’s a mixed bag, really. Like a box of chocolates, but with more blood.”
Judge Judy McJudgerson, who presided over the case, stated, “We believe in second chances. Besides, he’s got a great bedside manner—if you can survive the first one.”
In a bizarre twist, McCracken has since launched a new medical practice called “McCracken’s Miracle Medicine,” where he promises to “cut out the middleman” and “get straight to the point.” His slogan? “Why wait for a diagnosis when you can have a near-death experience today?”
As McCracken prepares to re-enter the medical field, he assures us that he’s learned from his past mistakes. “I’ve decided to stick to less invasive procedures,” he said, holding up a pair of gardening shears. “I’m thinking of starting a new trend: ‘surgery by shrubbery!’”
Only time will tell if Dr. McCracken can truly turn over a new leaf—or if he’ll just end up trimming the wrong one.
