**Defense Secretary Hegseth Implements Stricter Press Restrictions at Pentagon Amid Leak Concerns**
In a bold move that has left journalists scratching their heads and wondering if they should invest in a good pair of binoculars, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth announced today that he is implementing stricter press restrictions at the Pentagon. This decision comes on the heels of a series of embarrassing leaks that have left the Department of Defense looking less like a fortress and more like a sieve.
“Honestly, we were just trying to keep things under wraps,” Hegseth said, adjusting his aviator sunglasses indoors. “But it turns out that giving reporters access to the cafeteria was a mistake. They found out about our secret taco Tuesday and suddenly everyone was asking questions about military strategy.”
Under the new guidelines, reporters will be required to wear blindfolds while in the building, and all questions must be submitted in haiku form. “We believe this will not only protect sensitive information but also elevate the quality of our press interactions,” Hegseth explained, while a nearby intern attempted to decipher a haiku about nuclear submarines.
In a shocking twist, Hegseth also announced that all press briefings will now be conducted via interpretive dance. “We’re calling it ‘Pentagon Ballet,’” he said, twirling dramatically. “It’s a great way to express our military might without actually saying anything.”
Critics have already begun to voice their concerns. “This is ridiculous,” said veteran journalist and part-time mime, Linda “The Silent Scribe” McGraw. “I can’t even do my job if I can’t ask questions! What’s next? A game of charades?”
As the Pentagon prepares for its first interpretive dance briefing next week, one thing is clear: the only thing leaking now will be the tears of confused reporters trying to decipher the latest military strategy through the medium of modern dance.
