**California Fertility Clinic Bombing Suspect Left ‘Anti-Pro-Life’ Writings, Authorities Report**
In a shocking turn of events that has left the Golden State scratching its collective head, authorities have apprehended a suspect in the recent bombing of a California fertility clinic. The alleged perpetrator, identified as 32-year-old Chad “The Fertility Avenger” McBaggins, reportedly left behind a manifesto filled with “anti-pro-life” sentiments that read more like a bad college essay than a serious political statement.
According to police reports, McBaggins’ writings included such gems as, “If life begins at conception, then why do we still have to pay for Netflix?” and “I’m not saying I’m against babies, but have you ever tried to get a decent avocado toast with a toddler in tow?” Authorities are still trying to decipher the meaning behind his bizarre obsession with brunch and the existential crisis of guacamole.
Local pro-life activist, Mary “I Can’t Even” Johnson, expressed her confusion: “I thought we were all on the same side here. I mean, who bombs a fertility clinic? That’s like throwing a pie at a bakery! It just doesn’t make sense!”
In a twist that could only happen in California, McBaggins was reportedly apprehended while attempting to escape on a unicycle, wearing a t-shirt that read, “I’m just here for the embryos.” Witnesses claim he shouted, “I’m not anti-life, I’m just pro-choice… of breakfast foods!” as he pedaled away.
As the investigation continues, experts are left wondering if McBaggins’ next move will involve a protest against baby showers or a campaign to replace strollers with hoverboards. One thing is for sure: California’s fertility clinics are now on high alert, and brunch spots are bracing for an influx of confused customers looking for a side of scrambled eggs with their existential dread.
