**Bryan Kohberger’s Attorneys Seek Trial Delay Due to Case Publicity: “We Need More Time to Find a Good Excuse”**
In a shocking twist that has left legal experts scratching their heads and conspiracy theorists high-fiving, Bryan Kohberger’s attorneys have officially requested a delay in his trial, citing the overwhelming publicity surrounding the case. “We just need more time to find a good excuse,” said lead attorney, Chuck “The Delay” McBoredom, while sipping a coffee that suspiciously resembled a triple-shot espresso with a side of procrastination.
Kohberger, who is accused of some serious crimes that we can’t mention here because our lawyers are still recovering from the last time we did, has become a household name—right up there with “that guy who eats glue” and “the cat that plays the piano.” His attorneys argue that the media frenzy has made it impossible for them to find a jury that hasn’t already formed an opinion based on TikTok videos and late-night talk show monologues.
“Honestly, we’re just trying to find a jury that hasn’t seen the viral TikTok dance that’s been trending under #FreeBryan,” said co-counsel, Linda “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter” Butterfield. “We’re also hoping to find a judge who hasn’t binge-watched every true crime documentary on Netflix.”
In a bizarre twist, Kohberger’s team has proposed a new trial date of “whenever the public forgets about this whole thing,” which they estimate will be around the time flying cars become a reality. “We’re just trying to keep it fair,” McBoredom added, “and if that means delaying the trial until the next ice age, so be it.”
Meanwhile, Kohberger has taken to social media to express his feelings about the delay. “I just wanted to be famous for my cooking skills, not this,” he tweeted, alongside a photo of a burnt soufflé. “Can’t a guy get a break?”
As the legal circus continues, one thing is clear: the only thing more unpredictable than the trial date is the next viral meme featuring Kohberger’s face superimposed on a cat wearing sunglasses. Stay tuned for updates, or don’t—after all, we’re just here for the laughs!
