In a shocking development this evening, the North Pole officially announced that Christmas 2024 has been cancelled following a massive dispute between Santa Claus and the Elf Union (EU). Sources close to the icy scene report that Santa, in an unprecedented move, has decided to install a fleet of toy-making robots, 3D printers, and automated packaging equipment to replace his loyal, but allegedly “outdated,” workforce. At 6:00 PM North Pole time, all work was ordered to stop and the gates were officially locked.
The jolly old man himself, Santa Claus, stated that the decision was not only necessary but long overdue. “It’s time to embrace the future,” he said, standing next to a shiny new assembly line of automated toy-making machinery. “Elves are cute, but robots? They don’t take coffee breaks, they don’t need time off for family holidays, and they sure as heck don’t get unionized.”
The announcement has left the Elf Union reeling. “We were blindsided,” said Elven representative Sprinkles McTinsel. “Santa promised us an open mind, but instead he locked us out in the cold. Literally. There was a blizzard! We couldn’t even use the front door!” McTinsel went on to express the devastating loss of Christmas. “Christmas is everything to us. Our annual cookie consumption alone is enough to make us go into hibernation for three weeks! Now what? Robots? No thanks.”
Christopher Walken – He was not really affiliated with this article
Santa was quick to respond, though. “If they want to cross the picket line, they’re free to. I’m not meeting with them again. My last, best, and final offer and, now my patience, has officially been exhausted. In the words of Christopher Walken, “The future is now”, and that future is robots. They’re efficient, they don’t complain, and most importantly—they don’t need to take a sick day every other week because of ‘reindeer flu.’”
In an emergency meeting earlier today, the Union announced that they disgusted by “highly qualified” workers that were transported in via the Polar Express. They were extremely gleeful to see the replacements load back on to the Polar Express this morning to be shipped back to “where they came from.”
“We packed them onto the train this morning,” Santa said, rubbing his hands together. “And they’re on their way to Juneau, Alaska, where they’ll be getting on a real transportation system—the Greyhound bus.”
Polar Express tickets similar to the ones the replacement workers used to board the train
McTinsel was later caught heckling the replacements as they Polar Express. “Go back home, you parasitic puke from North Caroliney!”
When asked about their feelings, one replacement worker, who wished to remain anonymous, said, “I was promised a free ride to the North Pole, and instead I’m headed to Juneau for a ticket back home. We had a contract with the big guy. He was to provide airfare to and from our deployment airport. Instead, the old geezer is putting us on the old Gray Dog to send us home. If I ever see another reindeer, I’ll have reindeer steaks. Maybe I’ll just start a new life at the local Walmarts.”
Despite the severe shift in labor practices, Santa assured the public that toy production would resume by April 1st, which he called “the best day for pranks and toys.” “April Fools! It’s going to be a fun time,” Santa said, his belly shaking with laughter. “By then, I’ll have the robots deployed, the AI trained, and my elves can enjoy their well-deserved vacation. A permanent vacation! Ho, Ho, Ho!”
With the official postponement of Christmas, people worldwide are pondering the future of the holiday season. “I missed the Amazon Black Friday sale, thinking this would be resolved. Now, how do I explain to little Jimmy? He’s going to wake up on Christmas morning to find nothing!” lamented a distressed parent.
As the elf rebellion continues, some are wondering if this will mark the end of an era. Could Santa’s decision to go full automation be the dawn of a new holiday tradition? Or is it simply another example of a corporation forgetting the people who got them there in the first place?
One rather famous elf, Keebler, plans to retire from the North Pole and put 100% of his time and effort into his “side hustle”, a cookie business. “I think that my cookies could be a hit”, said Keebler who refused to tell us his last name.
While North Pole Security remains on heightened alert, the North Pole remains eerily quiet for now. The only sounds are the faint cries of disappointed elves. And, of course, the sound of one very jolly Santa Claus, sipping his cocoa and watching Netflix, waiting for it all to blow over.
