**Boulder Terror Attack Suspect Charged with Hate Crimes: Local Man Claims He Just Wanted to “Spice Up the News Cycle”**
In a shocking turn of events that has left Boulder residents both bewildered and mildly entertained, local man Mohamed Sabry Soliman has been charged with hate crimes and murder following a bizarre incident that authorities are calling “the most confusing attack since the Great Squirrel Uprising of 2019.”
Witnesses report that Soliman, 32, allegedly shouted “I’m just trying to make headlines!” before launching into a series of interpretive dance moves that left onlookers both horrified and slightly impressed. “I thought it was a flash mob gone wrong,” said local barista and part-time interpretive dance critic, Jenna “Jazz Hands” Thompson. “I mean, who knew hate crimes could be so… rhythmic?”
In a statement released from his jail cell, Soliman claimed he was merely trying to “spice up the news cycle.” “I mean, have you seen the headlines lately? Boring! I thought, why not throw in a little chaos? It’s like adding hot sauce to a bland burrito!” he exclaimed, while simultaneously attempting to juggle three oranges.
Local authorities were quick to respond, with Boulder Police Chief Chuck “The Chuckster” McGee stating, “We take these matters seriously. But honestly, if he wanted to make headlines, he could have just started a TikTok account like everyone else.”
As the investigation continues, Boulder residents are left wondering if they should be more concerned about Soliman’s actions or his questionable taste in burritos. Meanwhile, local businesses are cashing in on the chaos, with one taco truck offering a “Boulder Special” that includes a side of “spicy headlines” for every order.
In a final twist, Soliman’s lawyer, who goes by the name of “Slick Rick,” has announced plans to launch a new reality show titled “Dancing with the Criminals,” promising to combine crime, dance, and a whole lot of confusion. “It’s going to be a hit!” he declared, while practicing his own interpretive dance moves in front of a bewildered jury.
As Boulder grapples with this latest absurdity, one thing is clear: in a world full of chaos, sometimes all you need is a little rhythm—and a lot of hot sauce.
