**Boulder Terror Attack: FBI Arrests Suspect After Six Injured in Epic Battle of Wits**
In a shocking turn of events that has left the nation both bewildered and mildly amused, the FBI has arrested a suspect in what they are calling the “Boulder Terror Attack.” The incident, which involved six people being injured by a rogue bagel shop owner, has sparked a wave of confusion and laughter across the country.
Witnesses reported that the suspect, identified as “Bagel Bob” (real name: Robert Doughman), allegedly launched a barrage of everything from cream cheese to lox at unsuspecting brunch-goers. “I thought I was at a bagel shop, not a bagel battleground!” exclaimed local resident and self-proclaimed brunch enthusiast, Linda Toast. “I mean, who knew a bagel could be a weapon of mass deliciousness?”
The FBI’s Special Agent, Phil McCracken, stated, “We take these matters very seriously. Bagel Bob was clearly a threat to public safety, especially with his ‘Everything Bagel’ of doom. We had to act fast before he turned the entire city into a brunch battlefield.”
In a bizarre twist, Bagel Bob defended his actions, claiming he was merely trying to “spread the love.” “I was just trying to make a statement about gluten-free diets! Who knew it would turn into a gluten-fueled frenzy?” he said while munching on a bagel that suspiciously resembled a grenade.
As the dust settles and the cream cheese is cleaned up, Boulder residents are left wondering: Is this the new normal? Will brunch now come with a side of body armor? Only time will tell, but one thing is for sure: Bagel Bob has officially become the most infamous bagel slinger in history.
In the meantime, the FBI is urging citizens to remain vigilant and to always carry a side of schmear—just in case.
