**Boulder Terror Attack Claims Life of Holocaust Survivor: Local Man Claims He Saw It Coming**
In a shocking turn of events, Boulder, Colorado, has been rocked by a terror attack that has left the community reeling. The attack, which involved a rogue group of rogue squirrels armed with acorns, claimed the life of local Holocaust survivor, 97-year-old Miriam “Mighty Mouse” Goldstein. Witnesses say she bravely attempted to negotiate peace with the furry assailants, but alas, her efforts were met with a barrage of nutty projectiles.
“I knew something was off when I saw them gathering in the park,” said local conspiracy theorist and self-proclaimed squirrel whisperer, Chuck “Nutty” Johnson. “They were plotting something. I even heard one of them say, ‘We’re going to take back the park!’ I thought they were just upset about the new dog park, but clearly, it was much worse.”
Miriam, known for her quick wit and even quicker reflexes, was reportedly trying to teach the squirrels about the importance of diplomacy when she was struck by a particularly aggressive acorn. “She always said, ‘If you can’t beat them, join them,’” said her grandson, David Goldstein. “But I guess she didn’t mean literally.”
In a bizarre twist, the Boulder City Council has decided to honor Miriam by renaming the park “Mighty Mouse Memorial Park,” where squirrels will now be required to wear tiny helmets and attend mandatory peace talks. “We’re taking this very seriously,” said Mayor Tim “Nutcracker” Thompson. “We can’t let this happen again. Next thing you know, they’ll be organizing a coup!”
As the community mourns the loss of a beloved figure, one thing is clear: Boulder will never look at squirrels the same way again. And as for Chuck Johnson? He’s already started a GoFundMe to build a squirrel-proof bunker in his backyard. “You can never be too careful,” he said, adjusting his tinfoil hat. “I’m just saying, the squirrels are getting smarter.”
