**Boulder Terror Attack Challenges Biden’s Immigration Policies: Calls for Complete Reversal**
In a shocking turn of events, the recent Boulder terror attack has sent shockwaves through the nation, prompting a flurry of calls for President Biden to completely reverse his immigration policies. In a press conference that was more chaotic than a cat in a room full of laser pointers, Biden was bombarded with questions about how to keep America safe from “the real threat”—people who don’t know how to properly pronounce “quinoa.”
“Look, I’m not saying we need to build a wall around Boulder,” said local conspiracy theorist and self-proclaimed “Boulderite” Gary “The Rock” Johnson. “But if we don’t start screening people for their ability to pronounce ‘Boulder’ correctly, we’re doomed. I mean, have you heard how some people say it? It’s like they’re trying to summon a demon!”
Meanwhile, Senator Chuck Schumer was seen frantically waving his arms in the air, shouting, “We need to ban all quinoa imports! It’s clearly the root of all evil!” When asked for clarification, he added, “I mean, have you ever seen a quinoa salad? It’s terrifying!”
In a bizarre twist, former President Donald Trump weighed in from his Mar-a-Lago golf cart, declaring, “If I were in charge, I’d just send everyone back to where they came from—unless they can prove they can make a mean guacamole. That’s the real test of citizenship!”
As the nation grapples with the fallout, experts are left scratching their heads. “We’re not sure how a terror attack in Boulder relates to immigration policy,” said Dr. Ima Quack, a leading political analyst. “But if it involves quinoa, I’m all ears!”
In the end, it seems the only thing that can unite Americans is a shared fear of mispronounced words and poorly made salads. As Biden prepares to address the nation, one thing is clear: the only thing more dangerous than a terror attack is a poorly executed brunch.
