**Boulder Suspect Planned Year-Long Molotov Cocktail Attack on Pro-Israel March, Documents Reveal**
In a shocking turn of events that has left Boulder residents scratching their heads and checking their calendars, documents have revealed that a local suspect, identified as “Molotov Mike,” had been plotting a year-long Molotov cocktail attack on a pro-Israel march. Yes, you read that right—one year of planning to throw cocktails that are not even on the menu at the local bar!
According to the police report, Mike, who is known for his “creative” approach to conflict resolution, had been stockpiling ingredients in his basement, which he referred to as his “cocktail lounge.” “I thought it was a party, not a protest!” Mike exclaimed in a statement that left law enforcement officials both baffled and slightly amused. “I just wanted to spice things up a bit. Who doesn’t love a good cocktail?”
Witnesses reported that Mike had been seen practicing his throwing technique at local parks, often yelling, “This is for the ‘Shaken, Not Stirred’ crowd!” while tossing water balloons at unsuspecting squirrels. “I thought he was just training for the Boulder Olympics,” said local jogger and part-time philosopher, Linda “The Runner” Thompson. “Turns out he was just a little too passionate about his mixology.”
In a bizarre twist, Mike’s plans were foiled when he accidentally mixed up his Molotov cocktail ingredients with his grandmother’s famous apple pie recipe. “I was just trying to bake a pie for the march!” he claimed, holding up a charred dessert that looked more like a science experiment gone wrong than a culinary masterpiece.
As the community grapples with the absurdity of the situation, local bar owner and amateur therapist, Chuck “The Chuckler” Johnson, has offered to host a “Molotov Cocktail Recovery” night, where residents can come together to share their own ridiculous protest stories over drinks that are definitely not flammable. “We’ll have a special on ‘Fireball’ shots,” he quipped, “but no actual fire, please!”
In the end, Boulder has once again proven that when it comes to bizarre antics, the only thing more explosive than a Molotov cocktail is the creativity of its residents. Stay tuned for more updates on this fiery fiasco, and remember folks, if you’re planning a protest, leave the cocktails at home!
