**Boulder Attack Suspect Targets ‘All Zionist People’ with Molotov Cocktails, Claims He Was Just Trying to Make a New Cocktail Recipe**
In a shocking turn of events, federal authorities have apprehended a Boulder man who allegedly hurled Molotov cocktails at what he described as “all Zionist people.” The suspect, identified as 32-year-old Chad “The Mixologist” McFlame, reportedly told police he was just trying to “spice up the cocktail scene” in his neighborhood.
“I thought it was a new trend,” McFlame explained while sipping a flaming drink that suspiciously resembled a Molotov cocktail. “I mean, have you seen the prices of craft cocktails these days? I was just trying to help people get lit—literally!”
Witnesses reported that McFlame was seen running down the street, shouting, “Who wants a cocktail?!” while tossing the fiery concoctions. “At first, I thought he was just really enthusiastic about happy hour,” said local resident Betty “Bubbly” Johnson. “But then I realized he was trying to start a bar fight with the entire neighborhood!”
Federal authorities were quick to respond, with one agent stating, “We’ve seen some wild cocktail parties in Boulder, but this takes the cake. Or should I say, the Molotov?”
In a bizarre twist, McFlame claimed he was inspired by a cooking show featuring celebrity chef Gordon Ramsay. “I thought he said to ‘light it up’ when making a good sauce,” McFlame insisted. “I guess I misheard him. I’m still waiting for my Michelin star!”
As the investigation continues, Boulder residents are left wondering if they should be more concerned about the cocktails or the suspect’s questionable taste in mixology. Meanwhile, local bars are reportedly considering adding a “Molotov Special” to their menus, just in case.
Stay tuned for updates on this fiery situation, and remember folks: when life gives you lemons, make lemonade—not Molotov cocktails!
