**Boulder Attack Suspect Exhibited Signs of ‘Lone-Wolf’ Radicalization, According to Ex-FBI Supervisor**
In a shocking turn of events, an ex-FBI supervisor has revealed that the Boulder attack suspect exhibited signs of “lone-wolf” radicalization, which experts say is just a fancy way of saying he was really into hiking alone and had a questionable taste in snacks.
“Look, we’ve seen this before,” said former agent Chuck “The Wolf” McHowl, who claims to have spent years studying the behavior of solitary snack enthusiasts. “This guy was probably just a misunderstood introvert who took his love for trail mix a little too far. I mean, who hasn’t wanted to throw a bag of pretzels at a group of people at some point?”
Witnesses reported that the suspect was often seen wandering the streets of Boulder, mumbling to himself about the superiority of organic kale chips over regular potato chips. “He was definitely a lone wolf,” said local barista and self-proclaimed snackologist, Jenna Crunch. “I mean, he once ordered a triple-shot espresso and then asked if we had any gluten-free, vegan, non-GMO, ethically sourced granola bars. That’s a red flag if I’ve ever seen one!”
Experts are now warning that the rise of “lone-wolf” radicalization could lead to an epidemic of snack-related incidents. “We’re talking about people who take their snack choices way too seriously,” said Dr. Munchy McSnackface, a leading researcher in the field of snackology. “Next thing you know, they’ll be forming secret societies based on the merits of quinoa versus couscous.”
As Boulder residents brace for the potential fallout, local authorities are urging everyone to keep an eye out for suspicious snack behavior. “If you see someone hoarding kale chips or aggressively defending their choice of hummus, report it immediately,” said Boulder’s Chief of Snack Security, Officer Crunchington. “We can’t let this get out of hand!”
In the meantime, the Boulder community is coming together to hold a “Snack for Peace” rally, where residents can share their favorite snacks and discuss the importance of moderation. “We just want to remind everyone that it’s okay to snack alone, but maybe not to the point of radicalization,” said event organizer, Betty Bites. “And for the love of all that is crunchy, please leave the kale chips at home!”
