**Biden’s Health Reports Indicate No Evidence of Recently Disclosed Aggressive Cancer: Experts Say He’s Just “Aggressively Tired”**
In a shocking twist that has left the nation both relieved and slightly confused, President Joe Biden’s latest health reports indicate that there is no evidence of the aggressive cancer that was recently disclosed by a group of highly questionable sources, including a parrot named Mr. Squawkers and a guy named “Dave” who claims to have a PhD in “Internet Studies.”
Dr. Ima Quack, a self-proclaimed health expert and part-time magician, stated, “I’ve seen a lot of things in my day, but a parrot diagnosing cancer? That’s a new one. I mean, sure, he can talk, but can he even spell ‘oncology’?”
The White House quickly jumped into action, releasing a statement that read, “President Biden is in great health. He’s just aggressively tired from all the ‘let’s not fall off the stage’ exercises.” Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre added, “We can confirm that the only thing aggressive about President Biden is his love for ice cream and his ability to dodge questions about inflation.”
Meanwhile, conspiracy theorists have taken to social media, claiming that the real reason for the health scare is that Biden has been secretly training for the next season of “Dancing with the Stars.” One Twitter user, @DancingJoeFan69, tweeted, “I knew it! He’s just trying to distract us from his killer cha-cha moves!”
As the nation breathes a collective sigh of relief, Biden was spotted at a local ice cream shop, confidently ordering a double scoop of “Not Cancer” flavor, while Mr. Squawkers was seen squawking, “Fake news!” from a nearby tree.
In the end, it seems the only thing Biden is battling is a serious case of the Mondays. And let’s be honest, who among us hasn’t felt that way?
