In a shocking turn of events that has left the nation scratching its collective head, President Joe Biden has officially declared the Thanksgiving turkey “too white” and announced plans to end the annual tradition of pardoning the feathered fowl. The proclamation, delivered during a press conference that quickly devolved into a surreal rant Sunday afternoon, has sent shockwaves through the poultry community and left Americans wondering if they should start stocking up on tofu.
“Folks, I’m telling you, these turkeys—Peach and Blossom—have been living a life of privilege,” Biden said, gesturing wildly at a bewildered turkey that had been brought in for the occasion. “Corn Pop, my old buddy from the neighborhood, he told me, ‘Joey, if you’re gonna pardon a turkey, it better be one that represents the diversity of our great nation!’ And I thought, ‘You’re right, Corn Pop! Off with their heads!’”
Tom Featherstone, Local Poultry Farmer
The President’s comments have sparked a flurry of reactions, with some praising his commitment to inclusivity while others are simply confused. “I mean, I always thought Thanksgiving was about family, food, and football,” said local turkey farmer, Bobby Jackson. “Now it’s about social justice? What’s next? Are we going to start giving out participation trophies to the mashed potatoes?”
In a follow-up statement, White House Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre attempted to clarify the President’s remarks. “What the President meant to say is that we need to embrace a more diverse array of Thanksgiving options,” she explained. “We’re looking into alternatives like quinoa, kale, and perhaps a cornish hen. We’re all about inclusivity here!”
Critics of the decision have taken to social media, with hashtags like #TurkeyLivesMatter and #NotMyTurkey trending across platforms. “I just don’t understand how a turkey can be too white,” tweeted one confused user. “Isn’t that like saying a snowman is too snowy? What’s next, are we going to start judging mashed potatoes for being too starchy?”
Meanwhile, the National Turkey Federation has issued a statement expressing their disappointment. “We’ve been pardoning turkeys for decades, and now we’re being told our turkeys are too white? What’s next, are we going to have to start dyeing them rainbow colors?” said spokesperson Tom Featherstone. “I mean, I’m all for diversity, but I draw the line at food coloring.”
As the nation grapples with this unprecedented announcement, many are left wondering what Thanksgiving will look like without the traditional turkey pardon. “I guess we’ll just have to make do with whatever the President decides is ‘acceptable,’” said one bewildered family member. “Maybe we’ll just order a pizza and call it a day.”
In the end, it seems that this Thanksgiving, the only thing that will be stuffed is the confusion surrounding the President’s proclamation. As for Peaches and Blossom, Biden has ordered them to be executed immediately and will be prepared for the President’s last feast in the White House, where it is rumored, they will be garnished in crack before they are served.
Stay tuned for updates as this story continues to unfold—because if there’s one thing we can count on, it’s that Thanksgiving just got a whole lot weirder.
