Bernie Sanders, Crackhead Extraordinaire
WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a shocking turn of events, Senator Bernie Sanders has found rare common ground with former President Donald Trump, enthusiastically endorsing his suggestion that Canada join the United States as the 51st state. The announcement was made during a highly unconventional joint press conference where Sanders could be seen puffing on what appeared to be a decorative pipe filled with maple-flavored crack cocaine, methamphetamine, angel dust, and hashish – or as Sanders calls it, “Powdered Heaven.”
“Look, folks,” Sanders began, exhaling a plume of sweet-smelling smoke. “Donnie and I don’t agree on much, but when it comes to annexing Canada, we’re two peas in a pod. Different reasons, sure—but the same vision. One nation, indivisible, under Socialism… or whatever Donnie’s calling it these days.”
Trump, standing nearby in a bright red “Make Canada Ours Too” cap, scowled. “Bernie doesn’t get it, at all. I don’t want to bring Socialism to our country. We are the greatest nation in the world.”
“Canada has great people, lots of maple syrup, and frankly, I hear they love me up there. It’s going to be tremendous, folks, just tremendous. We’ll build the biggest igloo Congress you’ve ever seen.”, Trump added.
Sanders’ Vision of a Socialist Utopia
Sanders explained his support for the idea in terms of ideology. “Canada has universal healthcare, poutine, and a functioning postal system,” he said. “We need to bring those things south, my friends. Imagine: every American child with access to free healthcare and as many Tim Hortons Timbits as they can carry.”
When pressed on the logistics of absorbing a nation as vast as Canada, Sanders waved his hand dismissively. “We’ll work it out. Vermont’s practically Canada already, and we’re doing just fine.”
Canada Reacts with… Politeness
Justin Trudeau
Up north, Canadians appeared bewildered but characteristically polite. Prime Minister Justin Trudeau issued a brief statement, saying, “We’re flattered by the interest, eh, but we’ll have to think about it, you know? It’s a big decision, and we don’t want to rush, eh?” Meanwhile, grassroots Canadian movements like “No Thanks, Eh” have sprung up, organizing protests featuring polite signs like “We Respectfully Decline” and “Thanks But No Thanks, Bud.”
Trump and Sanders: The Unlikely Duo
Political analysts are dumbfounded by the alliance. “It’s like watching a moose and a polar bear try to ride a tandem bike,” said Dr. Polly Tics of Georgetown University. “Messy, but somehow compelling.”
As the debate over Canada’s future unfolds, one thing is clear: nothing brings Americans together quite like a bold, absurd geopolitical proposal. And if Sanders and Trump can unite over this, who knows? Maybe they’ll tackle Greenland next.
