**Astros Pitcher Lance McCullers Under 24-Hour Security Following Death Threats: “I Just Wanted to Throw Strikes, Not Dodge Bullets!”**
In a shocking turn of events, Houston Astros pitcher Lance McCullers has found himself under 24-hour security after receiving death threats that would make even the most hardened criminals reconsider their life choices. Sources say the threats came after McCullers’ last outing, where he managed to throw more balls than a toddler at a birthday party.
“I just wanted to throw strikes, not dodge bullets!” McCullers exclaimed, while being escorted to his car by a team of security guards who looked like they just stepped off the set of a low-budget action movie. “I mean, I get it—my curveball is a little wild, but come on! It’s not like I’m the one who invented the designated hitter!”
The threats reportedly originated from a disgruntled fan named “Billy Bob McBaseball,” who was last seen wearing a tinfoil hat and shouting at pigeons in the park. “I just wanted to let him know that his performance was unacceptable,” Billy Bob stated, while simultaneously trying to convince a squirrel to join his anti-McCullers crusade. “I mean, I’ve seen better pitching from my grandma’s bowling team!”
In response to the threats, the Astros have hired a team of elite security experts, including former Navy SEALs and a guy named “Big Tony” who claims he once wrestled a bear. “We take these threats very seriously,” said Astros manager Dusty Baker. “But let’s be honest, if anyone can handle a little pressure, it’s Lance. He’s been dodging line drives for years!”
As McCullers continues to pitch under the watchful eyes of his security detail, fans are left wondering if the real danger lies on the field or in the stands. “I just hope he doesn’t throw a wild pitch and hit someone,” said one fan, “because if he does, I’m pretty sure that squirrel is going to be the least of his worries!”
In the meantime, McCullers is focusing on his game, while also taking self-defense classes and learning how to throw a mean frisbee—just in case. “I’m ready for anything,” he said, “even if it means throwing a strike while simultaneously dodging a death threat!”
