**Ascension Healthcare Data Breach: 430,000 Patient Records Exposed, But Who’s Counting?**
In a shocking turn of events that has left the healthcare world reeling, Ascension Healthcare has announced a data breach affecting a staggering 430,000 patient records. The breach, which experts are calling “the most exciting thing to happen to healthcare since the invention of the tongue depressor,” has left many wondering if their medical history is now available on eBay.
“We thought we were just sharing our patients’ data with the universe,” said Ascension’s Chief Data Officer, Dr. Ima Leak. “Turns out, the universe is a little more crowded than we anticipated. Who knew hackers were so interested in Aunt Edna’s cholesterol levels?”
Patients are understandably concerned. “I was just trying to get my prescription refilled, and now I’m worried my embarrassing medical history is out there,” said local resident Bob “I’m Not a Hoarder” Johnson. “What if my ex-girlfriend finds out I had a rash in 2019? I’ll never live it down!”
In a bizarre twist, the hackers reportedly released a statement claiming they were just trying to help. “We thought we were doing a public service,” said a self-identified hacker known only as “The Data Bandit.” “I mean, who doesn’t want to know about their neighbor’s colonoscopy results?”
Ascension has promised to offer affected patients a year of free identity theft protection, which is great news for anyone who’s ever wanted to be someone else for a while. “I’m thinking of becoming a professional skydiver,” said local patient Sarah “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter” Thompson. “I mean, if my medical records are out there, I might as well live a little!”
As the dust settles on this monumental breach, one thing is clear: the next time you visit your doctor, you might want to ask them if they’ve been hacked. After all, who wouldn’t want to know if their embarrassing medical history is now trending on Twitter?
