**AI Estimates Biological Age While Flesh-Eating Insects Present Health Hazards: A Tale of Two Terrifying Technologies**
In a groundbreaking yet slightly terrifying development, scientists have unveiled a new AI that can estimate your biological age with alarming accuracy. Meanwhile, a swarm of flesh-eating insects has been spotted in local parks, raising questions about whether we should be more concerned about our age or our limbs.
Dr. Mortimer Buggs, the lead researcher on the AI project, stated, “We can now tell you how old your cells are, which is great news for anyone who’s been lying about their age. But honestly, if you’re over 30 and still using a flip phone, your biological age is probably 85.”
The AI, dubbed “Ageinator 3000,” uses complex algorithms to analyze everything from your diet to your Netflix binge-watching habits. “It’s like a therapist that doesn’t charge you by the hour,” said local resident Betty “I’m-Not-That-Old” Thompson. “It told me I’m biologically 72, but I’m still going to the club on Fridays. So, take that, Ageinator!”
Meanwhile, in a bizarre twist of fate, the flesh-eating insects—now affectionately known as “The Snack Attack Squad”—have been wreaking havoc in backyards across the nation. “I was just trying to enjoy a barbecue when I noticed my hot dog was missing,” lamented local grill master Chuck “Where’s My Meat?” Johnson. “Turns out, it wasn’t the raccoons this time; it was the bugs! They’re like tiny, uninvited guests at a party, but instead of bringing chips, they bring your leg.”
Experts are urging citizens to stay indoors and avoid both the AI and the insects. “If you’re worried about your biological age, just remember: age is just a number. And if you’re worried about flesh-eating insects, just remember: limbs are also just a number,” quipped entomologist Dr. Buzz Killington.
As we navigate this brave new world of AI and insect invasions, one thing is clear: whether you’re aging gracefully or being nibbled to bits, at least you’ll have a good story to tell at the next family gathering. Just don’t forget to bring the bug spray—and maybe a good therapist.
