**Activist Claims DC Shooting Hits Close to Home for American Jews: “I Thought It Was Just My Cousin’s Bar Mitzvah!”**
In a shocking turn of events, local activist and self-proclaimed “professional overthinker,” Miriam Goldstein, has declared that the recent shooting in Washington, D.C. hits “closer to home than a nosy relative at a family gathering.” Goldstein, who has a PhD in “What Ifs” from the University of Overreaction, stated, “I mean, I was just trying to enjoy my bagel when I heard the news. It felt like someone was shooting at my heart—right after I finished my schmear!”
The incident, which involved a group of people enjoying a peaceful protest, has left many in the Jewish community feeling uneasy. “I thought it was just my cousin’s bar mitzvah that was going to be a disaster,” said local rabbi and part-time stand-up comedian, Rabbi Shlomo Schwartz. “But now I’m worried about actual disasters! What’s next? A kugel-off gone wrong?”
Goldstein went on to explain that the shooting has made her reconsider her life choices. “I used to think my biggest threat was running out of matzo ball soup during Passover. Now, I’m questioning everything! Should I start carrying a shofar for protection? Or maybe just a really big challah?”
In a bizarre twist, the activist has launched a new campaign called “Bagels Not Bullets,” which aims to promote peace through baked goods. “If we can just get everyone to sit down and share a bagel, maybe we can avoid all this nonsense,” she said, while simultaneously trying to convince her cat, Mr. Pickles, to join the cause.
As the community rallies around Goldstein’s campaign, one thing is clear: when it comes to activism, nothing brings people together quite like a good bagel—and a healthy dose of humor.
