**Abbott Shines with 7 Innings as Reds Defeat Cubs 6-2: A Game for the Ages or Just a Really Long Nap?**
In a stunning display of athletic prowess that left fans questioning their life choices, the Cincinnati Reds triumphed over the Chicago Cubs 6-2, thanks to a dazzling 7-inning performance by pitcher Abbott “The Human Rain Delay” McGee. McGee, who is rumored to have once struck out a statue, managed to keep the Cubs at bay while simultaneously giving fans ample time to contemplate their existence.
“I’ve never seen anything like it,” said Reds fan and professional hot dog eater, Chuck “The Reluctant Vegetarian” Thompson. “I mean, I came for the baseball, but I stayed for the existential crisis. It was like watching a slow-motion train wreck, but with more nachos.”
The game started off with a bang—literally, as a rogue firework from a nearby Fourth of July celebration accidentally launched into the stadium. “I thought it was part of the show,” said Cubs fan and amateur pyrotechnics enthusiast, Linda “Firecracker” Johnson. “Turns out it was just Abbott warming up.”
McGee’s performance was so mesmerizing that even the Cubs’ players seemed to forget they were supposed to be playing baseball. “I thought we were at a poetry reading,” said Cubs shortstop Javier “I’m Just Here for the Snacks” Baez. “I mean, who knew Abbott could throw a ball and recite Shakespeare at the same time?”
As the game progressed, the Reds’ offense exploded like a piñata at a toddler’s birthday party, scoring six runs while the Cubs managed to muster only two. “I thought we were playing baseball, not a game of ‘How Many Ways Can We Lose?’” lamented Cubs manager Joe “I Should Have Stayed Home” Maddon.
In the end, the Reds celebrated their victory with a dance party in the dugout, while the Cubs were left to ponder their life choices and whether they should have taken up knitting instead. “At least with knitting, you can always unravel your mistakes,” said Baez, as he contemplated a future filled with yarn and regret.
As for McGee, he was last seen signing autographs for a group of bewildered squirrels outside the stadium. “I’m just glad I could help my team,” he said, before adding, “and that I didn’t accidentally throw a ball at a squirrel. That would have been awkward.”
And so, the legend of Abbott McGee continues to grow, proving once again that in baseball, as in life, sometimes you just have to throw caution to the wind—and maybe a few baseballs too.
