Attention all hypochondriacs and conspiracy theorists, there’s a new COVID variant in town that’s causing quite the stir – and it may just give you a sore throat that feels like you’ve swallowed a razor blade! That’s right, forget about the Delta variant, because the “Razor Blade” variant is here to steal the spotlight.
According to Dr. Fauci’s distant cousin twice removed, Dr. Mucousi, this new variant is spreading faster than a rumor at a middle school sleepover. “We’ve never seen anything quite like this before,” Dr. Mucousi said. “It’s like the virus went to a punk rock concert and came back with a new attitude.”
But don’t worry, folks, because we have all the information you need to know about this new variant. First off, symptoms may include a sore throat that feels like you’ve been gargling with a bag of broken glass, along with a sudden urge to rewatch every season of “The Bachelor” on loop. So if you find yourself reaching for the ibuprofen and the remote control, you may have caught the Razor Blade variant.
In a statement released by the CDC (Cranky Doctors Coalition), they urged the public to remain calm and not panic. “We understand that the thought of a sore throat made of razor blades may be alarming,” the statement read. “But rest assured, we are doing everything we can to combat this new variant, including stocking up on lozenges and throat numbing spray.”
In response to the news, Karen Smith, a self-proclaimed health expert and mother of three from suburban Ohio, had this to say: “I always knew this day would come. I’ve been stockpiling essential oils and elderberry syrup for years in anticipation of a sore throat apocalypse. Now, I’ll finally get to put my knowledge to good use.”
So there you have it, folks. The Razor Blade variant is on the loose, so make sure to stock up on throat lozenges and prepare for a sore throat that will make you question every life choice you’ve ever made. And remember, laughter is the best medicine – so maybe watch a comedy special instead of “The Bachelor.”
