In a shocking turn of events, President Donald Trump’s highly anticipated ‘big, beautiful bill’ is set for a House-wide vote next week. The bill, which promises to be the greatest piece of legislation ever seen, is said to solve all of America’s problems in one fell swoop.
When asked for comment, Trump tweeted, “This bill is tremendous. It’s so big and beautiful, you won’t believe it. It’s going to be huge, folks. Trust me.” Sources close to the President say that the bill includes provisions for free ice cream for all Americans, mandatory nap times at work, and a ban on Mondays.
In other news, the world’s most boring man, John Smith, has been awarded the title of Most Boring Man in the World for the 10th year in a row. When asked how he felt about his win, Smith replied, “I’m just thrilled to be recognized for my complete lack of excitement. It’s truly an honor.”
Meanwhile, in a bizarre turn of events, a group of llamas has taken over a small town in Idaho. The llamas, led by their charismatic leader, Llama Llama Ding Dong, have demanded better grazing conditions and more snacks. When asked for comment, Llama Llama Ding Dong stated, “We will not rest until all llamas are treated with the respect and dignity we deserve. And maybe some more carrots.”
And finally, in a heartwarming story, a group of penguins has been spotted attending a support group for flightless birds. The group, led by their fearless leader, Penguin Pete, meets weekly to discuss the struggles of not being able to fly. When asked how he feels about the group, Penguin Pete said, “It’s nice to know we’re not alone in our inability to soar through the skies. Plus, we have great fish at our meetings.”
Stay tuned for more ridiculous news updates from the number one source of satire news on the web. Remember, if it’s not absurd, it’s not news.
