In a shocking turn of events, the Trump administration has announced a $10 million health study for residents of East Palestine after a toxic spill in the area. Yes, you heard that right- $10 million! Who knew Trump cared so much about the little people?
The spill, which occurred last month, left residents of East Palestine reeling with health concerns. But fear not, dear citizens, for the government is here to save the day with their hefty study budget. In a statement, Health Secretary Alex Azar said, “We are committed to ensuring the health and safety of all Americans, even those in the forgotten town of East Palestine.”
Residents of East Palestine are understandably skeptical of the government’s sudden interest in their well-being. Local resident, Betty McFadden, expressed her doubts, saying, “I’ll believe it when I see it. This study better come with a lifetime supply of free healthcare for all of us.”
But not everyone is unhappy about the study. Mayor Bob Johnson of East Palestine chimed in, saying, “This is a monumental moment for our town. Finally, someone is taking us seriously! Who knew all it took was a toxic spill to get some attention around here?”
In a surprising twist, President Trump himself made a rare appearance to address the situation. In a tweet, he wrote, “I am the best at health studies, believe me. No one does health studies better than me. East Palestine will be great again thanks to me!”
As the study gets underway, residents of East Palestine can only hope that their health concerns will finally be addressed. In the meantime, they can take comfort in the fact that their town is now in the national spotlight, thanks to a little toxic spill and a whole lot of government funding. Oh, the things we do for attention!
So, stay tuned for more updates on the East Palestine health study, coming soon to a news outlet near you. And remember, if all else fails, just blame it on the toxic spill. It’s the perfect excuse for any ailment!
