In a shocking turn of events, suspected Minnesota lawmaker assassin Vance Boelter has been captured by authorities. Boelter, also known as the “Minnesota Menace,” has been on the run for weeks after allegedly targeting lawmakers who he believed were not taking their jobs seriously.
The capture of Boelter comes after a dramatic chase through the streets of Minneapolis, with police finally apprehending him outside of a local Dairy Queen. When asked for a statement, Boelter reportedly said, “I was just trying to make a point about government inefficiency, but I guess I took it a bit too far.”
Authorities are now investigating Boelter’s motives and possible accomplices. One of Boelter’s supposed partners in crime, a man named Jerry McSnark, was found hiding in a nearby dumpster. When questioned about his involvement, McSnark replied, “I was just along for the ride. I had no idea Vance was going to go all John Wick on us.”
Despite the seriousness of the situation, some Minnesotans are finding humor in the outlandish nature of Boelter’s actions. One local resident, who wished to remain anonymous, quipped, “I always knew our lawmakers were in danger, but I never thought it would be from a guy with a Dairy Queen addiction.”
As the story continues to unfold, one thing is for certain: the Minnesota Menace will go down in history as one of the most bizarre criminals to ever grace the North Star State. And who knows, maybe Hollywood will even come knocking for the rights to his story. As one Hollywood producer put it, “Move over, John Wick. The Minnesota Menace is the new action hero we never knew we needed.”
But for now, Minnesotans can rest easy knowing that Vance Boelter is behind bars and their lawmakers are safe – at least until the next Dairy Queen craving strikes.
