In a shocking turn of events, a suspect in the Boulder terror attack targeting pro-Israel demonstrators has been charged with federal hate crimes. The suspect, who goes by the name of Bob “The Bagel Bandit” Johnson, was apprehended after allegedly throwing cream cheese-filled bagels at innocent bystanders during a peaceful protest.
Witnesses claim that Johnson, a self-proclaimed bagel enthusiast, was heard shouting anti-Israel slogans before launching his delicious yet dangerous projectiles. One witness, Sarah Goldberg, stated, “I couldn’t believe my eyes when I saw Bob flinging bagels at us. It was like something out of a slapstick comedy, but with a disturbingly anti-Semitic twist.”
Authorities were quick to apprehend Johnson, who was found hiding in a nearby bakery with a stash of bagels and lox. FBI agent John Smith commented, “We take these hate crimes very seriously, especially when they involve baked goods. Bagels are meant to be enjoyed, not used as weapons of intolerance.”
In a bizarre twist, Johnson’s lawyer, Larry “The Lox Lawyer” Levine, argued that his client was simply expressing his love for bagels and had no intention of targeting anyone based on their beliefs. Levine stated, “My client is a bagel aficionado, not a terrorist. He was simply trying to spread the joy of carbs, not hate.”
Despite the defense’s claims, Johnson is facing multiple charges of hate crimes and could potentially spend years behind bars. When asked for a comment, Johnson reportedly said, “I regret nothing. Those bagels were perfectly toasted and I stand by my right to fling them at whomever I please.”
As the case unfolds, one thing is clear: the Bagel Bandit may have bitten off more than he can chew with this one. Stay tuned for more updates on this doughy debacle.
