In a shocking turn of events, the Supreme Court has ruled against Planned Parenthood in a Medicaid funding dispute, leaving many scratching their heads and wondering what in the world is going on in the hallowed halls of justice.
In a statement released by Justice Clarence Thomas, he declared, “Planned Parenthood may provide essential healthcare services to millions of women across the country, but they are just too darn good at it. We can’t have them outshining the competition, now can we?”
The decision has left Planned Parenthood supporters outraged and confused, with many taking to social media to voice their frustration. One Twitter user, @DefinitelyNotACatLady, wrote, “I can’t believe the Supreme Court is siding with Big Pap Pap’s Discount Abortion Barn over Planned Parenthood. What is this world coming to?”
Meanwhile, in a bizarre twist, notorious conspiracy theorist Alex Jones has come out in support of the Supreme Court’s decision, claiming that Planned Parenthood is actually a front for a secret alien baby harvesting operation. When asked for evidence to support his claim, Jones simply replied, “I don’t need evidence, I have a tinfoil hat.”
Planned Parenthood has vowed to fight the ruling, with spokesperson Dr. Karen Smith stating, “This decision is a blow to women’s healthcare everywhere. We will not rest until every woman has access to the quality care they deserve, even if we have to do it with a bake sale.”
In response, Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg reportedly rolled her eyes and muttered, “Oh for the love of Justice Scalia, can we just get back to arguing about the Constitution already?”
As the dust settles on this latest controversy, one thing is clear: the Supreme Court has once again proven that when it comes to healthcare, they are about as clueless as a goldfish in a bowl of Jell-O. And in the immortal words of fake founding father Thomas Jefferson, “Give me liberty or give me…wait, what were we talking about again?”
